


fire breathe me back to life

by pendules



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-08
Updated: 2013-06-08
Packaged: 2017-12-14 07:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/834444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years later. <i>He's at this party when he sees him, and maybe he'd turn around, pretend he hadn't, but then Brendon's eyes are fixed on him from across the room.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	fire breathe me back to life

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Fall Out Boy's "Miss Missing You" which screams Ryan/Brendon to me.

He's at this party when he sees him, and maybe he'd turn around, pretend he hadn't, but then Brendon's eyes are fixed on him from across the room. 

They just look at each other and then the moment passes and Ryan finds his escape through the glass doors and onto the terrace. No one's out there, thankfully, and he's only just breathing in the fresh night air when the door opens again and Brendon's there. Like he thought (hoped? feared?) he would be.

He turns around and he's just standing there, not looking confused or angry or anything Ryan wants him to be. He looks strangely unperturbed.

And it's the first time they've actually been alone together in four years, he realises in a kind of offhand way.

The first thing he says is, "I'm married." And Ryan isn't even sure why, isn't sure what it is, a warning, a boast, just a statement of fact. It's so different, so different, from all those times when they were drunk on leftover adrenaline and life and each other and Brendon would touch him, just as hot and urgent as he had on stage minutes before, and he'd say, "I have a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend," over and over but he never stopped and Ryan never stopped him either. (Maybe he's never quite figured it out, what they were, what they meant; they weren't just casual tour hookups, he knows at least. It was always more than that. They never really talked about it though, not even when…not even when they split up.)

"I know," is all he says. Not _Congratulations_ , not _I'm happy for you_ , not _It doesn't matter_.

Brendon just stares at him for a couple moments.

"You look…"

"Old?" Ryan suggests before he can find the word. _Different_ , or something equally painful. (Ryan, Ryan looks at him and still sees that kid in the lavender hoodie with the red glasses. Maybe when Brendon looks at him, he sees someone else too.)

Brendon just smiles, almost despite himself. Ryan isn't used to this kind of smile. It's genuine, but softer, slighter, something Brendon's features aren't really made for, couldn't quite manage before. Maybe Brendon actually is different now. 

"Spencer didn't say you'd be here," he says quietly.

"I didn't know _you'd_ be here."

"When was the last time you spoke to him?" and he sounds like he's sadder about that than about them - whatever they are now.

"I don't know, couple months."

"You should - you should go find him," and it isn't about getting out of this, Brendon followed him out here for a reason. This had to happen eventually.

"I will," he promises.

"So - you wanted to talk?"

He almost asks, _So how's my band?_ just to hurt him a little. To make sure he still can.

"Heard you're touring with Pete and the guys."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Maybe I'll come see you," and it shouldn't sound like that, shouldn't sound all wrong and mocking, especially not after all the time and distance and silence between them.

Brendon just sets his jaw, says, "Maybe you should."

Ryan doesn't know how to say it, how to say all these things he's been hiding from, how to say he's happy for them, truly, happy they're making music and touring with Fall Out Boy and happy about that fucking Diet Coke commercial and how Brendon's voice still makes him feel like he's home and how just looking at him takes him back to a tour bus bunk in 2006 and the best days of his life. Doesn't know how to say that maybe he's still in love with him although he never, ever told him in the first place.

Instead he says, "It's been four years, you know."

"Yeah, I do."

"I - I wish it could've worked out," and that's almost too much, and he isn't even sure what he's talking about, the band, or them, but then again there never really was much of a _them_ to begin with.

Brendon looks actually surprised for the first time, like he doesn't know what to say at all.

"It was good for a while, wasn't it?" Ryan says, almost like he's trying to convince himself that those happy memories weren't just his, that they meant more than that, that they were real and _theirs_.

"It was great, Ryan," Brendon says, voice cracking a little.

"Why'd we give up on it?" he says looking him right in the eyes. (And God, he remembers, he remembers that day and not being able to look at any of them and it was supposed to be for the best, but it felt so, so wrong. So profoundly wrong, right down to his bones.)

"I don't -" Brendon says, shaking his head. "I don't know." (But he does, of course, maybe it's easy to forget the reasons why when it's four years later and everything has changed so drastically and they seem so insignificant.)

"I thought it was because of me - because you didn't want to deal with my shit anymore."

"God, Ryan, you're such an asshole," he says, so frustrated now like he used to get every time Ryan was feeling worthless and raw, and he kind of looks like he wants to punch him or something, but that, that isn't Brendon, not the new Brendon or the old, so instead Ryan just walks forward a few steps, until he's right in his space, daring him to do something, to yell at him or just walk away or - And Ryan really hasn't changed that much. He still knows how to push people in just the right way, still knows how to get a reaction.

"I'm _married_ , Ryan," he says again but this time it's strained and desperate.

And then he fists a hand in Ryan's hair and he's kissing him. Kissing him like he kissed him the first time, when it was all fumbling in the dark and tripping over furniture and they barely made it to the bed. Ryan doesn't think anyone's ever touched him like Brendon does, careful but bold, like he's something fragile and precious, but like he wants to leave marks and scars without breaking him, like he wants to own him without unmaking him.

And then he's pulling away like he's been burnt and Ryan doesn't reach out to grab him, doesn't try to make him stay. He's gone through the glass doors, back into the party. Ryan just stands there, the summer night air on his face, the taste and feel of him slowly slipping away. He tries to hold on to as much as he can. It's all he can ever ask for.

He turns around when enough time has passed, goes back inside to look for Spencer.


End file.
